::: Reformed Players :::
~*Asalam'Alaykum*~
When looking for a spouse one obviously looks for the most common traits (i.e. decent looks, career, morals, etc…) One of the most important traits is of course that of a good Muslim. But while being thrust upon the “rishta scene” I’ve come across something that makes me take a mental step back. Is it fair for a girl to be introduced to a “reformed player?” You might say “Oh of course you should accept him! MashAllah he’s a good Muslim: prays all five prayers and observes Islam fully! Perfect!” Well, I don’t think so. Okay, before you object heavily to that, let me explain myself fully.
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play·er (pla.er) n.
One who utilizes the game to his advantage to be able
to date multiple women at once without being caught by the other
women.
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There’s this breed of guys that we all know as the players; living up to the “boy’s will be boys” adage and basically giving a damn about their “Muslimness.” In my definition, the Player will go out and party, have a girlfriend or two, and maybe even dabble in some drinking and drugs. He’ll only claim to be Muslim when it makes him look gangster, “Oh, don’t mess with me, I’m Muz foo!” Mmm ok yea. *rolling eyes* Can we say immature.
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It’s usually later in life that this Player decides to reform himself, more especially around the time he decides to jump on the bandwagon and get himself a nice, naive wife who’ll be, lo and behold, a good Muslim girl. But is that fair? Now if the situation was switched….
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What would happen if the guy was the nice, innocent Muslim boy and the girl was a *ahem* player (we all know she'd be called somthing else entirely...something along the lines of a word beginning with an "S" and ending in a "T")? I’m pretty sure she’d have a harder time ridding herself of the “player” image. A guy is forgiven much more easily for his digression from Islam than a girl is. Once again our various Desi cultures screw with what’s fair and right. So many times I’ve heard the excuse that boys will grow up and follow the right path, but for now let them be. Why!?! I think we girls need to take a stand and give the reformed players a hard time, something I’m sure we’d be subject to if we carried the label “reformed player” sometime in our past.
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It is important to remember that in Islam a man and a woman are not allowed to be alone together, and any physical contact before marriage is forbidden. Hence, Dating is not permitted in Islam.
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"(Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and
chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians)
before your time, when you have given their due Mahr (bridal-money given by the
husband to his wife at the time of marriage), desiring chastity (i.e. taking
them in legal wedlock) not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking
them as girlfriends. ... ” - Al-Ma'idah 5:5
wasalaam :)
posted by MnM310 at 12:41 AM
23 Comments:
Very nice post sister, reformed player thats a new one on me. Salaams!
OMG,I have never heard it said so knock-on before. Glad I'm not alone in reversing the labels and finding the unfairness in it, but to be honest, I usually grit my teeth and come out with the same "if Allah can accept a person as forgiven, why can't you?".
I know it's uncomfortable, but it's the unfairness in society that's to blame. I'd encourage the same overlooking of ex-player/esses label in both men and women.
That said, marriage is down to preferences and if you know, after all attempts coming to no avail, that you would lack the respect paramount to a healthy relationship, then ex-player/esses are best left alone.
Most interesting post Ive read in months. :D
wasalaamualaikum
almira: thanks sister! haha yea watch out for those :P
Khadiijah: salaam! I always like ur comments and this one gave me something to think about. Forgiveness. Mmmm, you're rite i think. Human's err b/c its human nature too and whether they do it knowingly or unknowingly Allah swt (Al- Kareem; Al-Ghafoor) forgives them and so should we. I'll think bout a full reply to this one. Jazakallah :)
salam
ya ur right in some sense and to some degree i really do agree.....but sumtiems we cant always judge the persons actions in the past when it comes to marriage.. if he's an awesome muslim now.. and had changed previously.. b4 the whole "marriage masala" tehn thats different... and he did play the game in the past... perhaps he was misled, then guided by Allah... in any case... i do understand what you are saying, i do agree..but sometimes those players really do get reformed...and those are the ones we need to give a chance to.... but usually those are the ones who understand the girl might have sum isues the past too, and are the reallly reformed ones :-S as in goatee ->>>beard... Fubu->>>>Shukr Clothing.. ahah
But if ur a player and have "reformed" but still boast abt ur playah days.. then..Ha... u jerk! or if u think ur son will go thru that stage and your fine with it "b/c hell come out of it".. Ha.. Idiot! Or if ur aplayer..and nwo its "time to get married" "so ull settle down"... Er.. godo luck to ur wifey :) May Allah give her sabr, and reward her Endlessly for her Sabr insha'Allah ;)
..but if u do settle down.. then Masha'Allah may Allah reward you too.
Nonetheless.. Allah has created us in pairs... :) Alhamdulillah...so dont worry madiha, since ur no player [i thnk :-p] i doubt ull end up with one insha'Allah... and if u do..he better be hafiz/alim/mufti/wali'ullah... :-p [all of them] cuz no "fake" "reformed player" is gona marry madiha.. "full'ishtop"
Payceeeeeee
the players and playettes, reformed or otherwise should all just marry each other. See surah Nur, V3. if only it were that easy.
But seriously, there is always that forgiveness factor involved and who are we to condemn when this person may have sincerely repented and been forgiven (not that we'd know whether they have or not, but its possible). In the end, it's just not our place to judge. And shouldn't we always give our fellow Muslim the benefit of the doubt...there's the hadith about giving ur bro/sis 70(?) excuses before you rush to judge.
That's why I think we need to attack this mentality in our culture and not the people themselves. How can parents/elders be so nonchalant about their children sinning? Why is it ok for "boys to be boys?" Where does this mentality come from?
I think the whole double standards thing where it's 10x worse if a girl is messing around versus a boy is not surprising at all. Our culture is riddled with double standards. But gender inequality, in my opinion, is a side issue. The deeper issue is the utter disobedience and transgression against Allah's(swt) laws, whether it is carried out by males or females. Is it not the height of arrogance that players will disobey Allah all they want and plan on straightening up later? Or that their parents/society in general will give the generic "he's just young, having fun, will straighten out later" response and take it all in stride. Who do they think they're fooling?
good points dude!
at the end of it though i guess its up to looking for someone who will be able to help us with our deen and iman and someone we'd be able to grow better with and who'd fulfil their role of husband/wife in the best islamic way...while at the same time someone we could have fun with etc...so if they are a reformed playa..as long as it aint just a fad or coz its the new in thing then May Allah grant them forgiveness..lol.
May Allah (swt) grant us with the best of spouses who look after us and after our children- the future carriers of the deen. Ameen.
Hi! I liked reading through your blog,we need the creator's help,This is my first time here.so I wont say much,But when I come back ,Hmmmmmmmm
Wish you well
anonymous: haha u gonna make that those "fake reformed players" stay away rite! :P LOL @ full'isthop..u crack me up foolio!
sambam: forget this sambam stuff u should be samosa! lol..anywho...ur rite..forgiveness is the key factor in accepting these "reformed players." I agree, Sam, that the disobedience against Allah swt is the worst sin of the culture. What type of message does it send the future generations, and even more importantly, to the non-muslims? I know that in HS a lot of times the kids would be like, Hey, isn't so and so guy Muslim? So how come he has a girlfriend? like i've seen his mom with them too. I'm like yea cuz they all screwed up thats y! haha no, but still, it made it more difficult and sent, most obviously, mixed signals!
*under*cuver*sister*: ur rite, we do want someone w/ deen and iman, especially who'll help us achieve it further. Ameen @ du'a sister. Thanks for ur comments :)
Zingtrial: Asalam'alaykum sister...wut?! theres no holding back allowed here! u post all the comments you want as long as u want, just make sure they stay nice and respectful to others :P Otherwise..go nuts! hehe..thanks for stopping by...btw how'd u find mah bloggie?
*wasalaam all! Thanks for all your comments, they rock!* ;)
*** ...now if we could only hear from some reformed players..mmmm..dont be shy boys..:P LOL ***
lol are u referring to any1 in particular? ;)..yes fullishtop :-p an dyes imma keep them "reformed playas" away from u..insha'Allah ta'ala!
in the mean time can we atleast hear from the "reformed playas? or pimpettes.. ..hey some girls are just as bad as the guys.. cept they dont get caught ;)..which makes us smarter... *as usual*... *rolls eyes* ;)
I agree with what you say but its not only a problem faced by women. Although it is to a lesser extent many girls are noe 'reformed players'. But yeah girls get it harder with reputations and what not...
salaams,
totally agreed, although I think the point is worth mentioning that whosoever does good, does so for his/her own sake, and whosoever does evil, does so against his/her own self. the muslim men may act like boys and do things they shouldnt do, but they do so to their own detriment. how much the balance of fairness is affected between male and female in desi culture is one thing, (personally I would say its never going to end until we make it change), but whatever they do is hurting themselves in the sight of Allah.
ma'asalaam
salaamaleykum...
lol..i know how it is with the desis...
but i think it only affexts the desis abroad. pure desis i know- will kill the guy for being a desi...but of coz..thats only when we talk about religious families.
I guess guys can get away easier compared to the girls.
:look:...good luck.
anon: mmmm maybe? lol...
Ibrahim Ali: yup, i'm glad u see it that way lol...
Nomad: walaikumAsalam homie! btw...i found out ur under the tutelage of the great Iboo :p lol..uhhh good luck w/ that...just dont take his advice on traveling. lol j/k...
anyways, ur rite. As the new generation, we have to make the change. Alhumdulillah there is this new consciousness of Islam on the rise w/o the brush of culture tainting it amongst our generation, but we still have a ways to go thats for sure.
Afzal: wuttup homie! walakumAsalam :p haha..yea pure desi's just mite, but then again, u mite be surprised @ how many boys are excused for their "playboy ways" lol... yea u better be looking boy :p lol
wasalaam all..thanks for ur comments :) But i'm thinking i got the "good" boys answering...:p lol
Anon said: "But if ur a player and have "reformed" but still boast abt ur playah days.. then..Ha... u jerk!"
So I guess this draws to the conclusion that forgiveness is the way to go?
Unless of course, the creature is one of the ones described above, loool.
Thank you for your comments sis.
You have a really fresh blog, its packed with flavour.
Just not digging the colour scheme, LOL it reminds me of them Amiga days.
Oooh, Good topic.
I personally would absolutely not marry a "reformed player," because he would have a past that I would have a difficult time accepting, even if he is the MOST religious guy now. You can't erase your past. He will always have those past experiences with him. I don't want to be married to someone who might compare how I am with him (in a certain department) to girls he's been with in the past, etc. etc.
I'd prefer someone who has no experience whatsoever in that department so we can learn together and have no way to compare each other to anyone else.
Even if he didn't *ahem* while he was a player, I still don't want a guy who's dated so many girls, etc. etc.
I say let the reformed player guys and the reformed player girls get married to each other! That way, they are both coming from the same boat and would have no right to complain about anything to the other.
Does this make sense?
*blush*
salaam..
Khadija: loll "creatures" hahaa...
ok well lets consult the shuyukh shall we :)
http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=7&ID=2023&CATE=101
http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=3733&CATE=10
http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=3525&CATE=203
enjoy ;)
Z: Hey brat, good to see the page worked this time :p
" Well maybe thats cos a girl like you wouldnt know/associate herself to a large extent with guys who were anything but good?"
yes thats true Z, but then what about those random "rishte." I mean to some level, yeah, u can control who u associate with there too, since u would hope your parents would have good Muslim friends. However, a lotta times you'll get some rishta from an aunty's friends sisters friend's son or some god-knows-what relation sorta thing.
I can understand what your saying about giving "reformed players" the benefit of the doubt, however, i still think that it should matter @ wut extent that player was a player ( does that make sense lol) otherwise, as sister Anon provided w/ her sunnipath links, it is advised that one should not question another on his/her sin (kaba'air), but rather even the sinner should try to conceal or avoid discussing their sins. This then gives us two benefits: a) the Player can't boast if he/she plans on it and b) The past sin won't create marital problems that may arise.
I think it would be human nature for the spouse to want to know about the other's past, but curiousity killed the cat and all and may even kill the marraige. If a grave sin can be forgiven by Allah swt (Al-Karim, Al-Ghafoor) then it should definitely be forgiven by us humans.
haha, Z u would find it a challenge to fix em! lol go get em tiger! lol xoxo :)
khadiijah: lol @ creatures! yea i think ima haveta post something now on the forgiveness aspect we've all seem to conclude to chica :)
Muslim Freedom: Hey asalam'alaykum lol wutcha talking bout my color scheme like that for homie?! lol "them Amiga days?" *confuzzled*
Sarah: Asalam'alaykum! :) Hey u have the right to what you want in ur spouse. If you think that his past is going to create problems in ur marraige down the line, then it would prbly be better for you not to marry him. However, you should stil keep in mind that its "to err is human and to forgive is divine." :) Although, i'm pretty sure if i knew enough of his past, and some it was so extensive that it may even come to haunt em later in life, then i'd steer clear as well...i think i'm sorta the jealous type..lol which probably opens up a whole new can of worms....*shrug* we'll cross that line later :p
Anon: hey chica..jazaks for these..i found em quite helpful :p
wasalaam everyone & thanks for ur comments homies! :D
totally of track here - you mentioned the baking soda and salt thing - did you just use it on ur fingers and do it? and is salt really good for the teeth - ive been told this before too might take it up if we have baking soda which i doubt :(
Sarah: Asalam'alaykum! :) Hey u have the right to what you want in ur spouse. If you think that his past is going to create problems in ur marraige down the line, then it would prbly be better for you not to marry him. However, you should stil keep in mind that its "to err is human and to forgive is divine." :) Although, i'm pretty sure if i knew enough of his past, and some it was so extensive that it may even come to haunt em later in life, then i'd steer clear as well...i think i'm sorta the jealous type..lol which probably opens up a whole new can of worms....*shrug* we'll cross that line later :p
Yes, "To err is human and to forgive is divine." So true. But I guess I'd feel a bit insecure around him if he's experienced in certain departments while I am not. Also, the jealousy thing. So that's why... I'm not saying he's a bad guy now, obviously he's reformed, blah blah, but I guess the problem lies within me which is why I wouldn't marry a reformed player! *hijabi*
"To err is human and to forgive is divine."
Like it.
This blog has been quite insightful. Thanks We considered all the points, even though the reformed players were silent, lool..I guess it's because they don't like to boast about it.
Anon,jazakallahukhair for the links. Going to read them now.
salam
MnM and Khadijah: No Broblem :)
theres more on the site..jsut keep looking up marriage stuff, i didnt find the one i was looking for but there is one about "reformed players"..well not those words.
Sarah: True, your right about the jealousy factor, but as jealousy is in the nature of women-its just a jihad an nafs [altho things easier said than done, b/c im sure if i were put in that position id be a lil wack] and 2-Allah has created us in pairs... so insha'Allah regardless of who has done what, Allah has been nothing short of Just in His Divine matchmaking :) Alhamdulillah. [Altho some would now argue "what about those couples who ar emiserable, or one of them is miserable, was Allah just then? eh i dont want to hear it[if any1 was gonna say it;P] Allah Is Al'Adl :), in that case however-that would be another test of this dunya, and may Allah raise the status of those sisters and brothers who live trhough their troubled marriages with sabr insh'Allah.]
sorry for the essay folks.
Wasalam
ok so this is the second time i'm writing this cuz Blogger is evil!
san: hey thanks for commenting! :) I just put it on my toothbrush and i've never had the dentist complain about anything regarding the salt. its acutally a really good natural abrassive for the teeth. Just don't over do it becuase, as they say, too much of anything is bad.
Sarah: I dont thing you should be shy or embarassed to feel the way you do. I think i'm more along your line of thought than anything.
khadiijah: haah..yea i think we discussed the topic to death and have sent it to heaven...and yup, it was super helpful thanks to everyone :D
ANON: ws :) Very good point w/ "Divine Matchmaking!" I'd forgotten that lil tidbit. haha ur very smart under there mA, who woulda thunk it! lol j/k j/k ..u know i luv u :P
** wasalaam :)
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