Thursday, October 12, 2006

::Who's older?::

*~ Asalam'alaykum wr wb* ~

Ashton and Demi, Jutin and Cameron are all doing it and it seems to be the latest craze in Hollywood. "It" is the fact that older women are marrying/dating younger men. Ironically, for once Hollywood seems to be promoting an Islamic sunnah. Since we can't date, we can still consider the question of whether it is really so off the wall for a girl to marry a younger man?

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In many cultures, especially including my own Pakistani culture, a girl marrying younger than her is quite taboo and talked about in hush hush tones. When does this kind of marriage cross the line into the land known as "robbing the cradle." We commonly hear of men marrying girls much younger than them, hey, often times it seems like the younger the better! Why is it then ok for a man to marry a girl 20 years younger than him in our communities, but if a girl ever even entertained the idea of purusing a boy 20 years younger, WOAH, bring out the stakes and get the lighter fluid ready. Something like that can never be allowed! But if we look to Rasulallah as an example we know that Khadijah (raa) was older than the Prophet (saw). Surely, following the sunnah cannot and should not be considered wrong.

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All these various classifications are so engrained in our minds and in our upbringing that I find that I too pause when I hear a boy marrying an older girl or vice versa. Then again, maybe a 20 year age gap is a bit pretentious because even for Western standards its a little wide. How young is too young though? To me it all depends on the guy.The requirment should be subjective because its difficult to just say, "oh i think 1 year younger should be the max." Some guys still act 19 when they're 30 or some 19 year olds act 30 at their age....

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wasalaam,

Madiha :)

31 Comments:

Blogger Ahmed said...

I think its best when the two ppl are roughly the same age give or take a few years. Maturity is the main thing.

And also life experience. There's a lot I want to do in this world, would I want to do it with someone thats done it all already? Would that person want to do it all again? I don't know....

Though in the end, my perhaps naive view is that, if two ppl love each other everything else will work out. Inshallah.

October 12, 2006 4:21 PM  
Blogger Hanna said...

Hmm.. food for thought. I must admit, I do a double take when I hear that the guy is younger..(Apparently I'm only 52% open minded!)

I think it's a maturity thing. Itf a 21 yr old guy is just as mature as a 25 yr old girl, then what's the biggie?? So long as the two of them are happy with each other, it's all good in the hood!

October 12, 2006 4:32 PM  
Blogger Farhana said...

Salam.
You make an excellent point when referring to the Prophet(SAW) marriage to Khadija (RA). I think alot of people forget that we should act and follow what the prophet (SAW) does rather than do the opposite or consider it "wrong".
Also I think culture has a lot to do with it. Especially in Desi families. Trust me, I know. But we should never let culture interfere with religion because most of the time it contradicts with religion. And also like in the Bengali culture, like me, alot of the culture is based on the Hindu religion, which is not right as well. So thats my two cents. =)
WSalam.

October 12, 2006 5:00 PM  
Blogger brotherhood said...

hahaha :p

to each their own ;)

and the font is not multicoloured :o

October 12, 2006 5:36 PM  
Anonymous Almira said...

I never saw it as a problem for a older women to marry a younger man, actually I always thought it to be more weired for a older man say twenty years older than a woman to marry her. I guess love is love, no matter the age gap. I do have to wonder sometimes why would say a 50 year old man want to marry a 18 year old woman, or a 45 year old women want to marry 22 year old young man. Is there some sort of "control issue" here, or maybe marrying a older man or woman for "financial security", or maybe its just for "true love." Good postin Mahida! :)

October 12, 2006 7:26 PM  
Blogger Z said...

wife: "respect your elders!"

husband: "show mercy to the young"

great recipe! esp if the ingredient of maturity hanna mentions is there too :-)

nice once mahida :)

October 12, 2006 7:57 PM  
Blogger brotherhood said...

hanna: it's all good in the hood! ... i agree :p

October 12, 2006 9:40 PM  
Anonymous Shaz said...

good post....if the couple love each other and happy togther then y shoudl we frown upon them? after all age is only a number!!
Take Shaz

October 13, 2006 5:29 AM  
Blogger Hanna said...

lol @ Z.. so we all know what's gonna happen when u get hitched to the older woman..

P.S you KNOW to agree with me, brotherhood ;)

October 13, 2006 7:22 AM  
Blogger cellardoor said...

interesting...
recently there was a rumour flying round town about one of my cousins old college m8's - that she was going out with a younger guy - they are both pakistani. she is 28, and eventually we discovered who the bloke was and he is only 20. now - call me a prude, but i was v v shocked, and cos of the age gap, the couple r doing their best 2 keep it a secret - without sucess... cos they now what that it's tabooin their community..
turns out hey have been 2gethr 4 about 3 years (so he must have been 17, and she 25, when they 1st hooked up). anyway they r due to get married in a years time, so the families have accepted it, altho i hear the guys family have called the girl a 'child abuser'!!!

October 13, 2006 8:00 AM  
Blogger Bilal said...

LOL- interesting..
I think it does not make a difference- whatever makes you happy:)

But just generally, and I could be mistaken, but some older indian Muslims in South Africa, have a real messed up view when it comes to marriage:
you have to marry someone from your same village!!
you have to marry someone who speaks the same vernacular of an Indian language- when in actual fact no one speaks it!!

But things are changing now:)

October 13, 2006 9:47 AM  
Blogger Zahera said...

I KNEW IT! You fancy younger men dont you madiha!?!?! uh huu this is all a ploy to justify youre secret "thang" :-P looll
At the end of the day it is about maturity and respect for one another.
Although people are talking about it all being good- i think you also have to be realistic in that sometimes it is and can be difficult if the age gap is too big. I know a friend who is married to a guy who is a good 10-12 years older than her, and although at the time of her decision she didnt really think it would be a problem, i think she does feel that he has "been there and done that" and she is only now in the process of experiencing certain things and therefore its difficult cos hes passed that phase of his life. Ofcourse the fact that they are together and love each other does ofcourse show that the age factor itself is not the determinant of a good relationship :-)

It is taboo- and its amazing how engrained it is within our own minds too- but i think that goes for a number of concepts which have no Islamic basis and yet unfortunately the cultural phenomenons are still ever prevalent and in full force.

October 13, 2006 12:15 PM  
Anonymous Nadia. said...

ooh, who is it Madiha? who is it? you can tell me...one of the young'uns at the IC? is it Arsalaan? cause he is pretty cute and heck, if I weren't getting married, I might do some cradle robbing myself ;) ...but really what is the big age deal? my daddyamma was 2 years older than my daddaboo (and that was back in the day) so yeah, to each their own...

October 13, 2006 11:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

its teh whole.. "hwo u plan on supporting my daughter boy?!" issue... back in da day...it was simple... a simple life...and boys grew up to BE men.. to carry out husbandly/fatherly/brotherly etc duties...now a days we raise our boys to be guys..to play xbox, to party, to go to school, to educate themselves so that they can work and l day have afmaily... however thats soo stupid... having a family and all that biz should be way erlier along in that line of priorities...

Schools important..indeed. But b/c teh trend among much of the muslim population has gone towards immense education, marriage sometimes takes a backseat. By the tiem its tiem to get married fro teh guy hes leik 26..if he marries someone whos 4 yrs odler..shed be 30.. that woudlmake 2 OLD ppl..lol... if however he marries soemone 24 yrs old..."they are still young"

follow me?

i blame the mothers who baby their sons.

Similarily... girls who marry older guys..thats b/c mummy and daddy have implanted that htey are gona marry some doctar or engineer... and ifs he a dr or engineeer he damn well is gona be liek 28.

but if your a loser putta whos liek 19 and jsut got into princeton university and dont haev marriage on your mind at all[but will evventually consider it], and jsut want to doa major in the liberal arts, and then get married or a few yrs into your major..thats fine too...but at the same time.....
get married erly..dontjsut it in sin!

i guess the being a dr/teach/w/e is solely somethign u gotta ddecide..coems down to maturity. i concur w/ teh rest...

some boys are 17..and are awesoem muslims and honeslty i beleive if they got married at leik 17, they really coudl hodl it down..b/c the perosn they wud be marryin-chances are: shed be a really good msulim too...and htyed live simply..its nto unherd of to lvie in the west comfortably w/o a "degree" soit coudl happen.

Ever notice how hardcore muslims-regrdless of age..are mad mature mashaAllah. im for reals. you see yougn sisters and brothers who are like 17 or 16 and they are realllly good muslims ...shoot ..get tehm married right away, b4 the fitna engulfs tehm. masha'Allah props to all them lil'uns.

lol... and if agirl marries a younger guy...lets say shes 20 ..hes be 16..i dont think thats legal.? or if shes 25 and hes 21...hed be enterign school now, and the parents would either kick him, disown him, or jsut be grumpy and evil to teh bahooo (daughter in alw)


HOWEVER.. if we are tlakign abotu sound minded muslims.. :) tehn weshudnt have issues... get married young, goto school/work/take care of w/e u gotta do....if u have kids..tehn u have kids.. Allah meant it to be that way..so why have it any other way?...get married...move away from ppl, strneghten your mariage, move near a madrassah or growing masjid/good muslim pop. and start workingon your imaan..after all inshaAllah two spouses are goignt obe toghetehr in the hereafter..lets try n make sure we're ina good place:)


get my drift? tangent? yea had lots ot say :) hope you enjoyed the rambling...

oNe LuV

October 14, 2006 2:10 AM  
Blogger MnM310 said...

ahmed: salaams! I'd have to agree...maturity is an important factor definitely and if both ppl are @ a comfortable level of maturity w/ each other, then age shouldnt matter.

Hanna: hey cutie! salaams...dont u know these online quizzes are crap! lol (only some are believeable...like that one u did a lil while bak *wink wink* :p) haha

Farhana: asalam'alaykum bengali princess! lol i couldnt help but say that :p Remebering the way of the Prophet saw and then referring to him when ppl 'talk' is a sure way to get past cultural taboos i feel. How can your parents or the community deny something thats sunnah...they surely wont get too far.

B'hood: LOL nooo i can't do my multi-colored font on this temporary, lame MAC computer! *crying* lol

almira: hey salaams sister! Well i dont know..I do know that ppl find it odd when a young woman marries a very old man...a la Anna Nicole, but still i dont think women marrying younger is as accepted. Just the normal old 1 year age diff is a big deal to ppl when its between an older woman and a younger man, whereas, a 1 year age diff the other way wouldnt even be a thought.

z: Salaams, LOL! very clever :p

b'hood; yup yup :p i think its all good in the b'hood (ok lame joke..but i laughed)

Shaz: jazakallah..their personal happiness is all that should matter :) The only time we should ever step in is if its a question of religion

hanna: haha..and please dont enocourage b'hood..he doesnt need it! :p lol...

Cellardoor: oOooo juicy! lol thanks for sharing cuz it made my post so much more interesting now :p But yea i guess when u look @ the ages like that..17 and 25..ewww.kinda very cradle robbing-ish! lol but when u get older, age doesnt really matter as much anyways..so these things are 'overlookable'

Bilal: hey salaams! I agree..wutever makes u happy as long as its halal (of course!) lol and dude, the other restrictions are soo lame, i mean its already hard to find someone..now u got all these other nonsensical limitations too!

zahera: i was gonna write z but then there's already a Z, then i was gonna write Zee, but then theres that too..so ima have ta settle for ur name :p lol yaay..i luv u! ok so secret ploy? wut makes ya think that? *shify eyes* b'hood, u know i aint ever the lying type write?! lol anywho..u always have such good points, and u also are the level headed one..so ur rite about being realistic. Yea i agree that having someone way to old or way to young mite be troublesome later...especially when the rose tinted glasses come off....So ok, then we're back to the fact that its a case by case scenario. luv ya brat! wasalaams

nadia! hey u!!! salaams...a real life person on my blog! lol j/k j/k but ahhh :faint: no name taking:P lol i'll see u tonite iA and i'll let ya know if its anyone from the IC lollllll..and no it aint Arsalaan..i entertained the idea of that fool for all of 5 secs b4 knowing how old he was and its still haunting me! *dying of embarrassment* haha its all good..dude..no way bout ur grandparents?! maheen was here next ta me when i read ur comment out loud..and she was pretty surprised too, mA thats so cool tho. :)

anony: lol i see ur on ur tirade :p j/k i luv ur rambles! Todays boys are more diff than the boys before, no doubt about that. Once in a while u'll find a diamond in the rough..but i wouldnt really hold out for that. sorry if i sound a lil cynical or even jaded..but i think its true. remember that post i did b4 about how old a boy should be before getting married,etc? well that still plays into this somewhat lol..we wont bring it all up again cuz it opened up a whole can-a worms last time...

wasalaams everyone and thanks for all ur insights. :)

~ madiha :)

October 14, 2006 3:29 PM  
Blogger Farhana said...

Salams Madiha,
Im addicted to your blog, and Hanna's as well. You remind me of..well..me..haha.

I need help..I thought if I got of Facebook for the month of Ramadan then I wouldnt be on the internet so much. But here I am obsessed with others lives. =)
Wsalam

October 14, 2006 6:39 PM  
Blogger brotherhood said...

hey whats wrong with being encouraged! :p

October 14, 2006 9:04 PM  
Blogger MnM310 said...

farhana: salaams! lol aww thanks! so i should make sure to blog another post asap! especially since i have my hands on a computer for an entire day! mmm ok i'll think of something.

u know the fact that my computer broke down right @ the start of ramadan was a blessing in disguise..aH i've had less time to chat and blog and more time to go to like taraweeh.

Omg and forget facebook, i'm not as addicted, but once ur on that site, ur on there for hours! :o lol Well, add me as one of ur friends when u get bak round to it...

b'hood: in ur case...a lot wrong! :p lol

wasalaam,

Madiha :)

October 15, 2006 5:53 AM  
Anonymous almira said...

Can I add you to my list of blogs?

October 15, 2006 5:16 PM  
Blogger MnM310 said...

almira: salaams! of course you can! :D

October 16, 2006 5:45 AM  
Blogger zee said...

ok spit it out...who's the guy???? :))))

lol, its an interesting question and THEORATICALLY nothing wrong with it at all. in fact if a couple is comfortable with it - then so be it.

that being said, i must admit, that from a personal point of view, i would feel uncomfortable marrying a woman older than me...not sure really why, maybe society's ideas have been ingrained in me.

but i thought a little honesty wouldnt hurt :)

October 17, 2006 6:07 AM  
Blogger mortalmuslim said...

salamzzzzzz
i dont know whether it is allowed in islam or not but in my culture(pakistani) ppl dont prefer it cause they say that girls mature at earlier age then boys so guys should be older than girls so that their maturaty level equalize and they dont have other cycological realationship problems!!!!
i just heard it this way
wallaho aalamo bisawab!

October 17, 2006 8:53 AM  
Blogger Z said...

hey salaams! sorry only saw ur comments re: my Satan post today! much apologies :P

October 17, 2006 11:45 AM  
Blogger Z said...

oh and ZEE, dude at the rate ur going you'll have to settle for an older woman unless some young chikita wants a sugar daddy! ;p

October 17, 2006 11:46 AM  
Blogger zee said...

Z: i've been resisting hard these couple weeks not to start my own personal attack on your character seeing u making clean swipes at me at every blog i visit!!!!!!!! :))))))))
But i'm gonna take the higher moral ground here because im well...the better man! ;)
Honestly though, i had a feeling someone was gonna say what u just said...but i wrote it anyway :)
Take care.

October 17, 2006 12:22 PM  
Blogger MnM310 said...

zee: lol firstly i got too many z's posting on my blog now! i gotta keep u guys all straight lol...

The guys somebody & we dont gotta mention who :p lol

now come on..u can't be all like from a personal point of view i'd marry an older woman and then end it there! ok so y? it is true tho that some guys need an older woman to make them more serious...etc... and that way a couple can balance itself out. To me, if two serious, very mature ppl get married, its like blah..but if theres @ least one person who's a lil less seroius then the marriage is more interesting ;)

MortalMuslim: salaams sister! haha yea i'm paki too and i know wut ur talking bout. Still it think that the pyschology of two ppl is better off when there's a mixture in the personalities. If two ppl are too immature, they'll have a rocky marriage and if they're too serious, they'd be too intense and the marriage would become shaky as well.

z: lol its all good bout the satan thing :) haha a young chicita huh? lol oOOOlala (altho.. be weary of sweet toothed women Zee!)

Zee: lol being the better man is hot stufff in my book! :p

Wasalaam :)

~ madiha ~

October 17, 2006 1:33 PM  
Blogger Z said...

haha! better man or better dinosaur eh Barney? ;)

higher moral ground my foot! dude, you already have the higher age ground and i let you go first thru doors on account of that..why u wanna take everything now hey!?

*sigh* give the man a pinkie...

and why would you want to launch a scathing attack on my character?! I;ve not attacked yours in the least! :)

i firmly believe you have an excellent character and would defend vigourously your honour!(there thats enough points for you tonite:)

I'm hurt!

October 17, 2006 5:23 PM  
Blogger Z said...

oh man i cant resist - ZEE'd be grateful for a chickita with ANY teeth left! ;p

October 17, 2006 9:39 PM  
Blogger Hanna said...

okay Madi... so I haven't checked ur blog in what..a day? And when I return, it's like "The Z and Zee" show.. lol.. it's too funny!!

But yeah, u gotta post man.. I thought u said you had your PC back from the doc's??

Oooh.. and u gotta let me know how your interview goes as well!!

October 18, 2006 6:52 AM  
Blogger Hanna said...

P.S Thanks for the compliment Farhana!! :) It's nice to hear when someone appreciates your blogs.. :)

October 18, 2006 6:53 AM  
Blogger MnM310 said...

haha i luv this z and zee show! lol u guys are hilarious :p

hanna wutchu talkin bout brat?! lol dude i'm so outta it lately! i'm too busy to check my blog all the time :( So sorry i don't get to ur guys' comments sooner...forgive me!

wasalaam,

Madiha :)

October 19, 2006 12:22 AM  

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